“Spare me your judgements and spare me your dreams
Cause recently mine have been tearing my seams
I sit alone in this winter clarity which clouds my mind”
— Momford & Sons.
First… That awkward moment when you had a long, and awesome post all typed out, and then firefox freezes and you have to rethink/type what you already said, but it doesn’t seem half as awesome as before.
Since I’ve made the decision to go home (which I don’t regret), I’ve been trying to figure out some sort of plan or outlook for life for what I need to do to get where I need to be – if that makes sense. And it hasn’t been easy going. Quite honestly, I have the feeling that between coming home and Christmas – I plan to spend much of my time curled up with the dog, licking my wounds and resting my weary head. A month of headaches (which have been much less frequent, thank you) have left me with little energy to do much of anything and I am already fighting the urge to spend all day curled up in bed – not that I don’t spend a lot of time in comfy pants, but I made it out every day, even if it’s just a few miles around the neighborhood. And it’s funny the certain comfort items that I miss – and it isn’t just a pumpkin spice latte on these dreary, almost-winter days.
Since I’ve made my decision to go home, I’ve gotten all kinds of responses, from “wow, tough choice, but good for you for being able to follow through with what you feel is right” to “what’s next?” to “Well then, what else can you do? You aren’t getting any younger…” — which, thank you, I’m reminded of this fact every time I log on facebook and see that someone else from high school is engaged/married/having a kid. I’d like to think I’ll get there eventually, but I’m not clouded enough in my judgement to think that I’m ready for that. I like kids (hell, I’ve worked with them for the past 6’ish years and I certainly miss my little buddy Jake), but I also know that I have things that I still want to do for me, and that I’m too selfish to put someone else’s needs before mine on a regular basis (not even joking, “Aww, you want a new toy? Tough shit, mommy wants a new pair of shoes/camera/vacation”). It doesn’t bode well for a change in relationship status either considering my biggest life goal at the moment is to spend 3-4 months driving around the country again, discovering small town America (I’m convinced there is a best seller in that – I just need to get the funds and get out there). And quite frankly, I don’t want company. I of course look forward to meeting up with friends here/there along the way, but some of the most eye opening and memorable experiences were while I was alone. I want that again, I almost crave it. The anonymity of being somewhere new where no one knows you – no expectations, no judgements. I don’t know what it is, but it’s hard to explain.
And to those who say ‘it won’t happen’… I say ‘watch me’.
And don’t expect no #$%& postcard.
So what is my path? I have no clue. Is is naïve of me to think that I’m meant to do something different, something special? This isn’t the same pre-9/11 world I grew up in where we were told we could do anything. Now it seems like the country – hell the rest of the world has gone to shit. How can I still think that I’m not meant for a regular job when so many people having to take on menial jobs just to put basic food on the table? Why am I so unwilling to accept that this is what life is for us post-9/11. I believe the country can be great again, but at this point, it’s up to the people to figure it out because the government clearly isn’t doing much. I’m not pointing any fingers, because I feel there is fault on both sides (thought we all know what side of the fence I stand on) and actually, all of congress can pack up and go home for all I care – all their bickering like 7th grade girls.
Ok, this post is quickly ‘jumping the shark’ — damn you wordpress for deleting my first, more awesome post. But anyway, basically… yeah, I quit grad school one semester in. But fuck it, I will make something of myself. Just wait and see.
Side note: Why is it that my deepest, ‘meaning of life’ type posts come to me while at the airport*?
*Yes, at Starbucks.