It’s no secret the last few weeks have been rough. Between stressful doctor visits to figure out why I’ve been feeling so run-down (nope, no answers yet), three needle pokes (which is funny, because I’m going to acupuncture voluntarily tomorrow), and a school program that’s left me less than motivated… I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that the headache I’ve been sporting the past 2 weeks is purely stress related.
BUT — Thursday I went to a seminar at DIIS about migrant worker and deportation and it was a pretty eye opening experience. Not for the facts that they gave us, but rather they way they gave them. The first three presenters talked about their ‘research’ and how they worked with this policy and that policy and I almost fell asleep. The fourth person, however, had actually gone to North Africa and found some people smugglers and got to know their story and how they joined the business. He knew their names and had photographs. Basically, it was real people he worked with, not just a policy that theoretically should work with/for people.
I think a light-bulb of sorts went off over my head. I don’t think this program is right for me.
I want hands-on, I want creativity (ok, that doesn’t really have much to do with global studies) and most importantly – I want to write. Back in school, we were always told to read what we had written out loud. You catch more mistakes that way, and it helps you learn. In talking to my mom and essentially ‘reading it out loud’ I was sort of slapped across the face with the whole ‘holy shizz-nits, I don’t want to be here, I want to write’ idea. I think I’ve been toying with the idea for awhile, but until I really got it out there, it’s just been hanging in the back of my mind. So I was a mess and I was up until 2am because I could sleep (and it made me sleep past the 4am Sounders game – but that’s okay because they lost), but when I woke up, I was oddly at peace with the idea that maybe RUC just isn’t the place for me this time around.
If I stay for two years, I’ll have a masters degree in Global Studies, and that’s about it. My sanity will probably be ripped to shreds, I’ll likely be no closer to an actual career, but then again, I’ll have the shiny, new degree smell. Kinda like a new car, but without the wheels to make it drive anywhere.
But my new plan consists of going home and taking some courses in journalism, creative writing and photography and working on finding an internship somewhere. Something to get my foot in the door all while I work on my own creative writing. I want people to say, “oh, have you seen Hanne’s new article, book, NCIS script?” (only kinda kidding on the TV script). I wanted that before, but now I want it bad.
I think my biggest issue is… well, I have two. The first is dealing with the idea that I’ve wasted 6months. I know that I haven’t – you don’t learn if you don’t try, but at the same time… 6 months is 6 months. And the second is that I know when I leave Denmark this time, it’s highly unlikely that I’ll be back to live here. I will visit (lots and often, I hope), but I don’t really see myself coming back to live here. I used to think I would at one point, but I don’t know. Just a feeling, I guess. The last two years I was home, I had that option to go to Denmark. I had things stored at my cousins house, so moving wasn’t that hard. But this time…
So it sucks. And it’s hard. But I think I’ve made my decision. And it’s time to take off the damn-tight shoes.